In Our Nation's Capital...

E: "Who's Nicholas Flamel?! Obviously they didn't have Google in Harry Potter! I don't know what people did before 1992."

***

E: "I'm too scared to go any further!"

K: "Oh let's go! Maybe Tom and Katie are lurking inside!"

E: "No! I can't!" (runs down the stairs)

K: (finally agreeing) "Yes! They'll make us drink the Kool-Aid!"

***

E: "I see Dumbledore and he looks glorrrrrrrious!"

***

E: "Ahh, yes, the little-known area of our country known as Bulgaria!"

K: "And the little-known English dialect, Bulgarian!"

Monty's Misinterpreted Humor...

K: "Well, you know... It's like they say... 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Nobody!'"

T: "Well, nobody expected Nazi Germany either."

K: (shakes head) "It's from Monty Python."

T: (confused) "Oh."

K: (awkwardly) "Yeah."

Party Foul?

C: (frantically) "Has anyone seen my drink?! I can't find my drink!"

K & T: (shrug)

C: (escalating) "I need my drink! I already lost one and now I've lost another!"

K & T: (shrug again)

K: "You want me to make another?"

C: (rummaging in pantry) "Oooh! Here's my first drink from before! The one I lost first! (sips) Yum!"

Christmas Tidings...

J: "Dad, I've been looking under the tree and those packages don't look big enough to hold a 42" flatscreen."

D: "I got a text message from Santa Claus last night. He said he couldn't get the damned thing down the chimney!"

J: "What?! Are you kidding--"

D: (who is usually peaceful and relaxed) "I told him, 'You need to learn to innovate, you bastard!'"


Much joy and peace in the season :)

Stephen Ambrose Called...

K: "Can you read this for me?" (hands him a paper with a sentence about stogies and the Transcontinental Railroad)

B: (not following directions) "Ohhhh the Transcontinental Railroad!"

K: (laughs) "Can you read the sentence please?!"

B: (reads sentence in monotone) "Let's smoke some stogies and talk about the Transcontinental Railroad?"

K & J: (erupt in laughter)

B: "Well, you know something interesting about the Railroad..."

K & J: (officially dying from laughter)

Birthday Wishes...

E: "Jeff, I have a birthday present for you... We've all lost them and I thought you could use one!" (pulls out stuffed animal version of a human brain cell)

J: "Wow! Thank you! (stuffs it under his hat) I should definitely hold on to this one."

Idle Threats?

K: (on the phone with MG) "Well, I said that I have a brother.. who can find a shotgun--"

J: (angrily interjecting) "And a shovel!"

MG: (over the phone) "Whoa there--"

J: (angrier) "And I have a big trunk!"

K: "Apparently he's not going to take--"

J: (angriest ever) "It's big! I can fit more than one body in there!"

K: "--any crap."

MG: "Oh clearly... no wonder you're single."

Lesson Learned?

KB: "haha you always look good...maybe he's intimidated."

K: "thanks... i think so... but who knows maybe he's just a playa... whatever. he can be alone in his *#&%^."

KB: "haha yesss literally and figuratively! teach him that english lesson!"


Family fun 101: Don't mess with the Brown women.

And A Quicky...

K: "Don't drop that ball you f*****! Don't drop that ball! That's right, Hines Ward! That's $#&^%! right!"

So, sometimes people get excited at football games...

Holiday Requests...

E: "Can you stop buying stuff until after Christmas?! You're ruining all of my ideas. And I have them!"

Word of the Day

munguin (n.)

a hybrid monkey/penguin that spits venom.

We're Quite Easy to Please...

E: "I've sworn off men."

K: "I will never swear off men..."

E: "Yeah, I like to look.. but I just don't want to deal with them if they speak."

K: "Sometimes they ruin it that way... I just want an attractive man to sit there and nod at me."

Semantics...

B: "Can I have a cupcake?"

K: "No. If you touch those cupcakes, I will stab that plastic knife into your thorax!"

B: "Hey, um, D... Do you want a cupcake?"

D: "She just said we couldn't have one."

B: "Well, she said that she would stab the knife into my thorax, so I think you are safe."

Canine Conspiracy

K: "Li and I were talking about this the other day... Dad, what would you do if I adopted a dog?"

D: (jokingly.. or maybe not) "Change the locks and encourage you to go elsewhere."


Just not ready for another one.

Advice from the K-man...

J: "Don't randomly give your Cuban kids communist cards."

Three-peat for Today: Insult Away!

K: "I guess that I'm really lucky that I like what I do." (proceeds to tell story about work)

Stupid Man-Boy: "Well, all those books were ass. It's all useless knowledge."

K: "Well, not necessarily. Literature is social commentary."

SM-B: "It has absolutely no purpose... Like my first four years of college."

K: "I would really hope that you're not telling me that my job is useless."

SM-B: "No, I'm not. If you want to be a writer, it's good."

K: "What about imparting ideas into individuals? I mean, learning from the past. So deep!"

SM-B: "I guess."

Bonus Round: The Truth Comes Out

Anon.: "Excuse me, but [friend's name] thinks that vampires are real. You can't trust a word she says."

Delicious Delicacies

S: (curious, yet suspicious) "What's this?"

B: (enthusiastic) "They're pretty good."

S: (examining container) "Chocolate... cinnamon... and peppermint all in one? (eats chocolate-covered cinnamon-flavored Altoid) Tastes like Willy Wonka shit in my mouth!"

Out of the Mouths of Babes?

K: "So, why might we need to use something like Cliff Notes?"

Anon.: "Because Tom Sawyer sucks!"

Swedish Bliss...

E: (pointing at crafty Swedish cages to lock up your stuff if you're shopping alone) "Ohhh look! How cool!"

K: "I wonder if you could lock your children in there while you shop. Give them a DS and let them be..."

E: "Well, there is the concern of food and water..."

K: "A few 100-calorie packs will tide them over."

E: "But maybe that's what the Ball Pit is for?"

K: "Yes, but I don't think that you can leave your kids there while you shop. I think you have to supervise."

E: "Oh but maybe the Ball Pit can serve as a coma-inducing baby sitter!"

K: "Throw kids in the pit, tire them out--"

E: "--and then put them in those huge IKEA bags they give you--"

K: "--hang the bag on the cart--"

E: "And you can shop Swedish housewares without interruption!"


Just an afternoon with Best.

Occupations...

E: "So what do you do?"

A: "Welder."

E: "Wood?"

A: "Metal."

E: "Oh."

Honesty...

E: "I can' t believe I stored his number in my phone."

K: "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and the guys who are trying to manipulate you closest."

For serial, guys... For serial.

J: "While it isn't a true allegory such as Animal Farm..."

B: "Global warming."

J: "What?"

B: "Weren't you talking about Al Gore?"


Up ahead?
Five well-deserved days off.

Thoughts on men?

A: "You should sooo date Will!"

K: "Um, he's gay."

A: "Uh, used to be! Besides, he's funny, smart, has impeccable taste and tons of money."

K: "What?! Right, so I can turn him gay again? Ding! Round two!"

Vacation Plans...

L: "Ooh, a cruise... We can do everything!"

K: "We can be lazy and hang out..."

L: "Well I can't do the climbing wall..."

K: "Climbing wall, sch-miming wall... I'll be at the bar.. Don't you know me?"

Just a thought...

K: "I told you what I said about teaching... it's like having anorexia."

A: "Hey, a little anorexia never hurt anyone."

K: "Except for like Tracey Gold and that chick from the 60s who crapped out from it."

A: "One cannot sustain on meth alone."

One day, we're gonna publish. And when we do, it's gonna be big.

...Starting fresh...

Deleted everything to start anew... we shall see what comes of this foolishness.