Monty's Misinterpreted Humor...

K: "Well, you know... It's like they say... 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Nobody!'"

T: "Well, nobody expected Nazi Germany either."

K: (shakes head) "It's from Monty Python."

T: (confused) "Oh."

K: (awkwardly) "Yeah."

Party Foul?

C: (frantically) "Has anyone seen my drink?! I can't find my drink!"

K & T: (shrug)

C: (escalating) "I need my drink! I already lost one and now I've lost another!"

K & T: (shrug again)

K: "You want me to make another?"

C: (rummaging in pantry) "Oooh! Here's my first drink from before! The one I lost first! (sips) Yum!"

Christmas Tidings...

J: "Dad, I've been looking under the tree and those packages don't look big enough to hold a 42" flatscreen."

D: "I got a text message from Santa Claus last night. He said he couldn't get the damned thing down the chimney!"

J: "What?! Are you kidding--"

D: (who is usually peaceful and relaxed) "I told him, 'You need to learn to innovate, you bastard!'"


Much joy and peace in the season :)

Stephen Ambrose Called...

K: "Can you read this for me?" (hands him a paper with a sentence about stogies and the Transcontinental Railroad)

B: (not following directions) "Ohhhh the Transcontinental Railroad!"

K: (laughs) "Can you read the sentence please?!"

B: (reads sentence in monotone) "Let's smoke some stogies and talk about the Transcontinental Railroad?"

K & J: (erupt in laughter)

B: "Well, you know something interesting about the Railroad..."

K & J: (officially dying from laughter)

Birthday Wishes...

E: "Jeff, I have a birthday present for you... We've all lost them and I thought you could use one!" (pulls out stuffed animal version of a human brain cell)

J: "Wow! Thank you! (stuffs it under his hat) I should definitely hold on to this one."