Ouch

K: "So the doctor said that I shouldn't talk... which is really stressing me out--"
J: "Ironic. Once you shut up, my stress levels will be going down."

If You Don't Know Me By Now...

K: "So she said that and I--"
S: "Completely started analyzing every damned thing."
K: "'Cause you and I haven't been friends for 15 years or anything!"

And this is us. Love it or leave it.

ESPN Does Not Stand For "Entertainment and Smacking People Network"...

K: "Look at him! John Saunders is grinning like a Jack-O-Lantern!"
J: "Homeboy did something before the show. Or do you think he farted and he's laughing about the smell?"
K: "I dunno, but he's all freaking giggly and weird. Mitch Albom's gonna smack a bitch!"
J: "Dude, the guy who wrote Tuesdays with Morrie would not smack a bitch!"
K: "Morrie did not mess around. He was Mitch's teacher. You do the math."

Seriously?

D: "Why's all this food in the fridge?"

K: "Because it needs to be refrigerated?"

Wide World of Sports?

A: "I hate golfers..."

K: "But, like, Tiger Woods. I feel like I could be friends with him... Have a beer with him."

A: "I'd break a beer over his head... A Bud Light... Nah, maybe a Milwaukee's Best."

Things We Discuss In Our Spare Time...

E: "Remind me to tell you about Pope Forasmus... He's got no head and four fingers."

Shoes for Chill(dr)en

K: (increasingly angry) "I just want a nice pair of flats. These shoes are ugly! Ugh! I hate the fact that all of these shoes look like they serve an orthopedic function! Damnit!" (picks up shoe and examines it) "Oh.." (walks away)

E: "They're childrens' shoes, Kate."

Almost Doesn't Count

K: (during medical procedure) "Owww! Oh my God! Oh, shhhhiii.."

Doc: "You okay?"

K: (apologetic) "Oh my God! Ugh, so sorry I cursed!"

Doc: "No, actually, you stopped yourself."

K: (relieved) "Good! That fucking hurt."

Shopping Plans...

E (disgusted) : "Oh god! It's quilted! It's like the Chanel version of Vera Bradley!"

Honerable?

C: "You think it's okay to have my honors kids work in pairs tomorrow?"

E: "Sure, they can have nerd arguments."

Hope for the Future?

E: "Well, even if you are the Crazy Cat Lady... You'll be the Crazy Cat Lady with a Chanel bag and other great accessories!"

Safety in numbers?

K: "Yeah, so we haven't really spoken in a long time... Months, even."

Anon. 1: "Well, what's her address?"

Anon. 2 "We could so take her out for you. We got your back, yo."

K: "Do either of you have your permit to drive, let alone your license?"

Anon. 2: "We know people. We can get a ride."

K: "From who? Your mom?"

311?

K: "Well, you have to understand that there is a limit to what you can say--"

Anon. 1 (angry): "Well, the Klan can have meetings and say whatever it is they want to say!"

Anon. 2 (exasperated): "That's why they meet IN THE WOODS!"

Hydrogen is the most popular element?

K: "So what does it mean that so-and-so portays women as weak?"

Anon.: "She's racist!!!!!"

Apparently, I stand corrected.

And This Is Why We're Friends...

K: "Well, talk to you tomorrow. Peace in the Middle East."

T: (deadpan) "We can only hope."

Best. Metaphor. Ever.

B: "You know that old card game, Magic: The Gathering? Not that I played it."

K: "Umm hmmm."

B: "Well, that's what ***s are like now."

Sick as a...

K: "I'm so sick. I've been drinking NyQuil from the bottle all day."

R: "Are you tripping yet?"

K: "Well, there's an elf on my dresser, throwing popcorn at me... Mnnn, kettlecorn flavor!"

R: "NICE!"

Inauguration Ponderance...

E: "How ironic is it that Mr. Barack Obama was born August 4, 1961?"

K: "Not my fault. Blame my parents for my due date."

Honestly?

A: "Soooo... what's going on between you two?"

K: "Well, right now? Whenever we go out, he's like my wingman, but he's totally ****blocking me."

A: "That's not very platonic... or fair."

My Heritage...

K: "Well, you know.. America: land of the free, home of the chronically drunk..."

T: "I thought that was Ireland?"

Deja vu...

D: "Where'd all my money go?"

K: "And now another reading from the Book of Kate..."

Honesty... is such a dirty word.

T: "Eh, don't sweat it. What's two years between friends?"

Knit One, ESPN 2...

A: "Whatcha doin'?"

K: "Knitting and watching SportsCenter."

A: "You are amazing! What guy wouldn't want that?!"

K: "I know! I am the most perfect girlfriend ever. Remind me why I'm single?"

A Proposal of Sorts..

K: "Alright, well, I'll ring you up when I'm on my way home from the 'office.'"

KKD: "You sound like my future wife, in which case, sounds good, Honey."

I'm Dreaming of a White.. Snow Day?

B: (explaining why we have yet to have a snow day) "I think God is an AP parent."

Thanks? I Think.

H: "I would like you to know that your New Year's Eve pics are seriously making you look like the most perfect soccer mom ever."

I don't get it.

Thanks for the Honesty...

T: "Men are like dogs. We don't think the way you do. We're programed to side-step things and remember visuals not details... We mimic and repeat. Very effective trick, there... Men are f-ing dogs. It's the God's honest truth. Just don't forget it."


Spoken by a real, live, actual male. Damn.

Selling Me...

K: (being polite) "Hey, W, I'd like you to meet my friend--"

W: (interrupting and hugging K) "--I just want you to know that she is the best girl ever. She's so smart and funny and witty and beautiful! Any guy'd be lucky to have her!" (pats K on the head enthusiastically)

T: (flabbergasted) "Um, thanks?"

K: "W, he already knows that. He's my friend."

W: "Oh, yeah. Huh... Well, everyone needs a reminder."

Everything's Fine In 2009...

A: "Those girls are looking at us now."

A2: "Too bad her dress is from Target. I mean, I like Target and all, but it's New Year's Eve!"

(all cock heads to side, look at her and sigh)

***

K: "Can we be friends in real life?"

R: "Sha, totally. I'll find you on Facebook!"

***

K: "I like you. Do you like SportsCenter?"